So long for now
by Bam it's Rachel
Summary: dear Enjolras, I will probably be gone now your reading this. This is a goodbye letter from Eponine. Rated T as it hints at suicide, drugs and abuse. Hopefully better than this summary. Based on This is Gosple by Panic! At the disco.


So long for now

Author's note: So I was listening to Panic! At the disco and their song this is Gospel came on. It is song about loving someone and the fear of hurting them when you die. So it this fear becomes a giant burden. I warn you this is quite a sad one shot and please listen to this song as it will help set a mood. If you do you'll get a virtual cookie **(::) **

This is Enjonine fan fic also.

Disclaimer: Well I do not own les mis… sorry but it's the truth.

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**This is gospel for the fallen ones**

**Locked away in permanent slumber**

**Assembling their philosophies from pieces of broken memories**

**Oh whoa (x2)**

**The gnashing teeth and green tongues conspire against the odds**

**But they haven't seen the best of us yet**

**If you love me let me go (x2)**

**Because the words are knives and ultimately scars**

**The fear of falling apart**

**And truth be told I never was yours**

**The fear, the fear of falling apart**

**(This is Gospel by Panic! At the disco)**

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Dear Enjolras,

When you read this letter you will probably notice I am not here. And you must be feeling hurt and confused and most likely angry. Hell I would be if I was you. But I am too cowardly to tell you this in person, as that is all I am: a coward. And that is all I'll ever be. While you're reading this I will be gone. To where? I do not know. Why? Well that question is so much more painful. I can't articulate or even write why. How I feel. You were always the one who were can with words. I was always in the background, a shadow. But anyway I'll try to explain to you why I left.

You have known in all the time we've been together that I had a bad past. But you never knew the full details. Well let's leave it at it was not pretty. Not even remotely. I was abused by my father, his friends. My mother had bi-polar so when she had me she became scared of failing me. So she left me with my father. I had problems with alcohol and drugs until I was at least 19.I were smoking cannabis since I was 15 as it hid reality and the pain. Alcohol was the only way to block the memories that were burned into every cell in my brain. I had developed severe depression and had only started to recover around the time I met you. It was hard, depression is like a predator. It stalks you silently, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. Then when my sister died a couple months ago. I fell back into depression. I don't know why I didn't tell you. I guess I didn't know how. And I didn't want to burden you. They don't lie when they say you can run but you can't hide. Because life is like that. We all run from death as we are all scared of it. But you can't hide from it. But I'm not running, not anymore. Death doesn't scare me, hurting you does.

Do you remember when we held hands and ran past the lampposts on the way home? We had done it so often I can recall it perfectly. I was at my happiest with you. I remember when Courfeyrac and Grantaire put snow down your back last winter. And the time Gavroche convinced you to climb a tree and you fell off and broke your arm. There of course are not so good memories like when we first argued. And the way afterwards we both cried because we were so upset. These seem like lifetimes away. These feel like lifetimes away. Perhaps they were.

I know this seems like the cowards way out but I could never carry on. I'm too weak, too used, too broken. Enjolras, you like the fix broken things but I am just too broken. Please move on from me. Find a beautiful, smart and kind girl. Be young, be reckless. Just don't turn into Courfeyrac. One of him is enough. I am only joking. Please tell Gavroche I love him and I'm sorry. And that he is the most amazing little brother anyone could ever have. Tell Grantaire that he needs to go to an AA meeting and sober up. But he was the greatest friend I ever had. Tell Courf to settle down with a girl that will put up with him. Tell Joly to ask Musichetta out, she likes him. Tell Feuilly that he should on that trip to Poland. Tell Combeferre that he is the wisest person I have ever known. Tell Jehan to become a famous writer. Tell Cosette that she was the best girlfriend and shopping buddy that existed. And Enjolras most of all, I LOVE YOU! You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. Please move on. But if you love me, let me go. Writing this is killing me. But this is for you. They say the darkest hour is the one before dawn. So chin up and carry on. Just remember I will always be with you.

So I guess this is goodbye. You'll see me again one day. But until then so long. And now I am going to have my one wish, to see what it is like to fly and to be like a bird. To be free.

I love you with all my heart.

Éponine

Xxx

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Author's note: I know it's not very long but it is 11:30pm here and I have school tomorrow. But I hope this isn't that bad. Bit sad but it all I can come up with.

Reviews would be nice but apart from that just listen to the song this is gospel as it was my inspiration for this one shot.


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